Epic Story of Epicdom
by Mizu-Licious
Summary: Warning: Extreme levels of epic ahead. Do not read if easily nauseated. Born from love and a night of utter crackiness comes a fic most epic. *Complete until Ace and I are hyped up enough to write more!


The Epic Story of Epicdom

By AshleetheDragon and Mizu-Licious

It was a bright cheery day. Naruto, for once, was glad that everyone was leaving him the fuck alone, as he was busy training right outside the Leaf Village. Too wrapped in his own thoughts to notice anything around him, he didn't seem to notice the pair of eyes watching him. But then someone murmured to him, breaking out of his trance to look over and see none other than... Uchiha Itachi.

He felt fear gripped him tight for an instance before the dark haired, psychopathic missing nin spoke in a slow, even tone. "I'm looking for my pet. He's blue, scaly, and he likes sushi. Have you seen him?" Naruto could only stare in confusion, the fear ebbing away quietly until he noticed that the Uchiha was holding a spiked collar, labeled 'Itachi's shark-chan'. Brow furrowed, he glanced around. "I haven't seen anyone else around, sorry. Maybe you should go check an aquarium."

"I totally forgot about that option...damnit, if he got caught by a zoo employee again Im gonna kill him!" Itachi muttered, quietly walking away. Naruto, having nothing better to do, followed.

However, after taking only a few steps forward, his attention snapped to a near-by bush, its rustling distracting Itachi as well. Both men glanced cautiously at one another before moving toward the shrubbery, not bothering in the least to mask their chakra. "On the count of three," he heard Itachi whisper, his voice appearing a tad too close in his opinion, "we'll make a break for it."

"Ok...one...two...th-" "KYA!" Suddenly, the figure popped out of the bush and tackled Itachi. The figure huggled the Akatsuki member without mercy. "Tachi-chan!" Itachi groaned and Naruto looked confused. "What the fuck, is that-" "No, Naruto. That is not Sasuke. This is our cousin, Sasuke's practical twin, Saseme. I dunno why the fuck hes here though." " Aw, Tachi-poo, I'm here because I missed you and sweet little Sasu-duckie!"

Naruto fought, with all of his might, to keep back the laughter that threatened to consume him. He failed miserably however and let loose a howl of a cackle that sent him to the ground on his knees. "S-Sasu-DUCKIE?" The flamboyant figure, recently introduced to him as Saseme, gave only a curious look to his elder cousin, before Sasuke came tearing through the underbush, glaring daggers at Sasme. "Saseme, I told you not to call me that!!"

"Awww, Sasu-doll, you came to visit...how did you know I was here?"

"Well isnt that obvious? My seme senses can detect a super uke from miles away." Naruto was dumbfounded, while Itachi sighed, used to this. But suddenly, a new voice broke through.

"In that case, you came for Blondie, am I right?" Naruto instantly recognized the figure following after Sasuke as... well the guy that usually follows after Sasuke. It was Su... Saiga... Flapjack was what Naruto decided to call him.

"Sasu-pie, why are you always so mean about everything? It's not like I retold the story of how you used to wear your mother's underwear as a boy!"

"How many times must I tell you," Sasuke grit out, fist clenching by his sides. "I thought they were mine!" It was then that Itachi spoke up, a smirk playing across his lips. "They were lace, Sasuke. Lace." In only moments, a poorly dressed Saseme stood between a very calm Itachi and a wildly swinging Sasuke, while Naruto and that.. Flapjack kid stood boredly on the sidelines.

"So, Blondie. I was wondering, do you wanna go on...an adventure?"

"...Adventure?" Naruto asked, turning towards the creepy man. "What kind of adventure?"

"The one where we go to Orgasm Island!" With that the crazy Flapjack tackled the poor blond, all the while screaming 'adventure' over and over again while Naruto just screamed his poor head off. "HELP ME, THIS GUY IS TRYING TO TAKE ME TO ORGASM ISLAND!"

"Damnit Suigetsu, did you take your meds this morning?!" Sasuke finally had broken his fight with the others to go pry the crazy man off of the tramatized fox boy. "Sorry Naruto, he gets like that." Naruto didn't reply, he just clung to Saseme for comfort while said boy cooed him and played with his hair. "Keep your pet on a leash," Itachi muttered. "That's great, you can't even find your pet." Countered Sasuke.

Itachi only gave a glare in response, turning his nose up with a huff as he continued his walk down the muddy forest pathway. Sasuke, feeling slightly triumphant, released his hold on the much calmer body of dear Flapjack. This did not bode well with Naruto, however, as he began to kick and scream within Saseme's grasp. "You can't touch me there! Stop looking at me!"

But Saseme paid the boy no mind, hugging the fearful blond closer to him with soothing words falling from his gloss covered lips. "It's okay, Naru-babe. He won't take you there, I promise." Sasuke, although his aloof exterior said otherwise, could feel himself turning rather green with his envy, his body craving the idea of being able to hold Naruto the way his cousin was.

Still, he wasn't about to reveal his emotions like some kind of pansy. So he stood stoic as ever, though silently he was throwing invisible mind shurikens of doom at the blubbering Saseme. "Aww Naru-chan, you are so cute!" The look-alike couldn't help but cry out, clinging desperately and never wanting to let go as little hearts popped up around him. Itachi, bored, poked on of the hearts with half-interest.

"D-damnit, this guy is just as bad as Flapjack!" Naruto cried, trying to pry the clingy man off of him. Sasuke's interest instantly perked. "Dont worry Naruto, I'll save you," he said innocently, shoving his twin cousin away and hugging the blond tightly. "Sasu-chan!! That was mean!!" Saseme cried, getting up to rub at his sore butt that he landed on. Meanwhile, Naruto kept yelling, "RAPISTS!!"

Itachi, watching the scene with well hidden interest, couldn't help but chuckle quietly when a small creature slithered its way slowly from out of the bushes. "Sasuke?" His younder sibling purposely ignored him, as expected, but that didn't stop Itachi. "Sasuke, your friend is looking quite disheartened." Just as Sasuke turned to glare at his aniki, something far more important made itself known.

"Squishy?!"

A pink tongue flickered out happily as Sasuke cried out its name, immediately releasing the blonde to take hold of his beloved snake. Naruto, happy that the rape-fest was starting to simmer down, crawled quickly toward Itachi, knowing the man to have much more class than the others. "Itachi... you have to hide me! Who knows what they'll do if they team up!"

"I'm sorry, Naruto, but...youre just too adorable not to rape.Now come sit in my lap." The gleam in the older Uchiha's eyes was too scary to comprehend, so naruto did as he was told. Meanwhile, Sasuke was busy cooing at Squishy while Flapjack was muttering 'adventure' to himself and Saseme got up, his cry session over with. "No one loves Saseme!" he cried.

Flapjack suddenly got up and went over to the uke boy. "Wanna go to Orgasm Island?" Saseme blinked, thinking about it. "Uuuuhhhhhhh...sure." They wandered off gayly and yet another person appeared. "Shark-chan!" Itachi suddenly said, standing up and setting Naruto down to go over to the flustered Kisame. "Where the hell have you been?!"

"Well, you see I was trying to catch up to you when all of a sudden I was stopped by a midget wearing a jumpsuit screaming 'Mario!' I didn't know what to do so... I fought him. And he kept throwing mushrooms at me!" Itachi, amazed by his Shark-chan's tale, brought his pet to sit with him as he finished his story. This gave Sasuke, along with his dear Squishy, plenty of time to huddle around a frightened Naruto, a submissive vibe playing off the poor blond boy.

"So Naruto... now that I," Sasuke, interupted by a threatening hiss, corrected himself easily, "We. Now that WE have you... what say you, eh?" "Who say what now?" Naruto hoped that this last ploy, his own stupidity, would save him from this virginity eating monster and all others like him. He didn't stand a chance.

"I say bend over." Not bothering to wait for a response, Sasuke shoved the blond over, although he pictured that it would work out in the yaoi movies, the blond landing on all fours, ready for him. Unfortunately, reality wasnt as perfect, and the poor boy merely fell over onto his ass, cussing up a storm. Sasuke blinked. "That wasn't as erotic as I wanted it to be." "SASUKE YOU BASTARD!" "Oh well, time for Plan B. ATTACK SQUISHY!"

Suddenly the snake launched out, winding his way around the blond's arms tightly, preventing the use of them. While Sasuke bent down to molest the poor blond, Itachi and Kisame were done with the story adn were watching with secret perverted interest. Meanwhile, Saseme and Flapjack were making weird noises in the bushes not too far away, one including what sounded like a battlecry.

"This is a no-no! This is madness!" Sasuke's hands paused and Naruto felt relieved, even to the point where he let out a small sigh, the noise contrasting starkly against the silence. It was then that he realized that everyone, including Saseme and Flapjack, had their widened eyes on he and Sasuke. It was then that he felt very afraid for himself. "Madness?"

Naruto shook his head wildly at the sight of Sasuke's lust crazed smirk, his nightmares confirmed in the Uchiha's dark, mysterious eyes.

"This.

Is.

ASS RAPE!"

It was a scene too explicit for even Itachi to watch as Sasuke began to remove the blond's clothes in record speed and... DO things to him. Things he wouldn't even do to Kisame. "Maybe..." Came said pet's voice from beside Itachi...

"We should leave before we are permanently scarred for life." "Yeah...and I thought what Oorichimaru did to Pein was the worst ever..." Kisame shuddered. "Ugh, dont remind me. No wonder that freak was banned." They suddenly ran away, crying like the secret pansies they were. Meanwhile, Saseme wandered in from the trees, and he looked angry. "That guy doesnt know how to get to Orgasm Island..."

Suddenly noticing the predicament his cousin and Naruto were in, he stared, wide eyed. "Holy effing sparkle stars! That looks fun...can I join, Sasu-chaaaan?!" The raven stopped his crazy rape and glanced up at the mirror image of himself, realizing that he was vain enough to actually consider it. "...I guess so, but don't touch teh squisheh!" Saseme just nodded, squealing and jumping in.

Naruto, having long since given up on fighting, stared blankly at the two indentical males hovering above him, ignoring the snake playing with his man parts. "Sa-seme? And Sas-uke? You gotta be kidding me here!" Saseme, not feeling even slightly offended by the outburst, grinned cheerfully at the blond, while Sasuke, feeling inraged by the comment, just 'raped' the boy harder.

"Oh Sasu-puppet, not so rough!" Came a concerned cry from the young Uchiha's cousin. It took him a moment to realized but it clicked eventually that inviting Saseme was a horrible idea! He was ruining his rape! He ignored him as best he could, focusing on the body below him, until the hushed whispers caught his attention. "It's okay, Naru-dear. Picture him in lacey panties, okay?"

Naruto couldn't help but giggle at the thought, which of course infuriated the raven. "Saseme, are you going to do something more USEFUL or are you just gonna whisper dumbass things?" The man blinked, tilting his head and giving a playful smile. "What should I do? Top you?" Sasuke actually stopped at that, giving his cousin a knowing look. "You, top? You wouldn't even top a fluffy white kitten."

"It was a joke, Sasu-poo!" Another snort from the blond in the group. Sasuke was not finding this conversation a turn-on in the least, so he ignored his flambouyant twin and decided to get back to more important things, like his buttraping. Naruto tried not to laugh more about their topic of conversation. Saseme blinked, tilting his head down towards them. "Well, what if I-"

"Just," Sasuke refused to let the fairy give another suggestion, afraid that in doing so, he'd lose his concentration, "Keep him distracted SEXUALLY." Naruto gave a small cry of... 'pain,' as Sasuke continued. "Can you handle that?" With a small nod of his head, Saseme set about distracting his fellow uke. "Uhm..." He muttered before an idea struck him and he began to sing.

"If all the raindrops were candydrops and lollipops, oh what a rain--" "OW!" Naruto spoke suddenly, almost bucking Sasuke from his comfortable position inside of him, "That'd be REALLY painful, man! Imagine walking out your house and getting pelted by a blowpop!" Saseme suddenly broke into a fit of giggles, the image in his head almost too much. "You..." Sasuke muttered disbelievingly, "..."

"Alright Saseme, you're not helping here." "But Sasu-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, Im doing my best!" Sasuke frowned, grunting as suddenly got a bit too TENSE. "Can't you just...give him a blowjob or something?" Suddenly Saseme belted out into song once more, "Sucking on mah lolipop-" "SASEME!" "Ok, ok, sheesh. I'm just trying to set the mood..."

"If you're not gonna help, BESIDES singing, go find something else to amuse yourself with...Saseme?" Suddenly he noticed the uke version of himself was leant down next to his Naru's ear, whispering something as the blond laughed quietly. "What the hell is he saying now...?" "N-nothing," The fox boy said between giggles. Saseme smirked. "If Sasu-duckie wants to know, I said that...you are the ULTIMATE seme and you should have NO problems even IF I start singing."

Naruto's giggles became stonger, his hand covering his mouth to muffle the sound. Sasuke felt a twitch develop in his brow, the statement made by his cousin causing a fiery rage to build within him. "Saseme..." And for just a moment, the gayiest Uchiha alive felt a spark of fear run through him.

Leaving the blond's 'unwilling' body, Sasuke stood, manly pride flapping in the wind as Saseme, feeling slightly unsure about his safety, began to chuckle nervously. "S-so, Sasuke... Oh look! I think I see the Uchiha gay-ninja-war banner! I uh..." "Wait!" Both boys, no matter how mad, found it impossible to resist the naked, flushed blond fox boy, however. "What if, uh...you guys fucked eachother?"

Sasuke and Saseme blinked at the same time. "How is that gonna help anything?" Sasuke asked, irritation in his words. "Well, you could take the anger out on him, and Im sure he'd stop singing...??" Mostly it was because Naruto thought it was sexy-- and it would give his screaming ass a break from the torture. "Tch, dobe, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard."

Saseme rolled his eyes. "Yeah right. I know for a fact you oogle yourself in a mirror Sasuke. You having sex with your practical twin would only stroke your ego, in many ways--OOOOOOH, I went there girlfriend! snap snap snap" Sasuke twitched his eye, contemplating it over. Naruto just sat there, wondering what would happen, and Saseme kept snapping his fingers.

Sasuke sighed. "If it'll get Saseme to shut the HELL up, I'll do it."

Grinning wildily, Naruto laid gently on his side, eyes trained on the two before him. "Alright then! On with the show!" Sasuke chose to ignore the jibe in favor of staring down his retardedly GAY, sexy, idiot of a cousin. "What the hell are you so happy about?" Sasuke muttered, his blatant stare turning into a spiteful glare.

Saseme's happy-go-lucky expression never once faltered as he answered his cousin with a simple "What are you so pissed about?" and Naruto, noticing the tension, jumped in quickly to save his idea. "Hey, hey, guys! Save the heat for the sex!" Saseme nodded quickly before turning over to settle on his hands and knees, ass poised in the air as he wiggled it toward Sasuke. "Well, Sasu-pie, arent you gonna take out your anger on my cute little ass?"

Though Sasuke didnt want to admit it, the scene WAS rather hot...hell, he found himself very attractive. Who could blame him?! Crawling over on his knees, Sasuke rubbed his rather eager friend against said cute ass. "I shouldn't say this, but we are sexy." "We are sexy bitches!" Saseme chimed in, giving off a little moan at the actions.

Naruto rolled his eyes a bit. "Okay, less self-groveling, more buttsex, ok?" Sasuke nodded, feelign bad for his friend for cutting him off like that. 'It's ok, Sasu Jr., soon you'll find a new home,' he thought to himself, starting to take out his 'anger' out on his disgustingly gay cousin below him, who was writhing in pleasure and moaning like crazy. "...Saseme, I havent even put it in yet."

"I know! But I'm getting warmed up! You know." Saseme gave yet another wiggle of his hips. "'Setting the mood'!" Naruto resisted the urge to sigh, watching as Sasuke seemed to be entraced by the dancing mounds of flesh. Just when Naruto thought it would go no where, just when the blond had bowed his head in defeat, he heard the cry of a dementedly gay Uchiha, such a cry causing him to smile.

"Sasuke, you did it!" Lo and behold, the stoic avenger had plunged deep into his cousin, Sasuke Jr exploring the deep depths of the Assic oceans. Saseme, who seemed overjoyed about the current situation, could only moan and yell his pleasure into his arms. However, the cries that DID make it into the air were a bit... horrific.

"Oh God! Yea! Butter my buns, Sasuke! Just like that! I...I CANT BELIEVE ITS NOT BUTTER!"

Naruto, by this point, was completely weirded out. Sasuke was just provoked more and took more anger out on the uke's ass, which seemed to trigger an unending cycle of disturbing love cries and angry penis love. Naruto wasn't sure how this was a turn-on anymore, but it was so disturbing that it made him even harder!

And by that point Sasuke had found his happy place and was officially drowning out any unwanted noise coming from the figure below him, who was currently taking care of his own mini-me, which, let's face it folks, has never and will never explore any ass of any kind. Things were getting sticky, and Naruto was having a fun time watching the two and enjoying the show of weirdness.

"Yea, Sasuke! I like it on my doggie biscuits! Oh god!!" Naruto glanced around nervously, clearing his throat as he pondered for a moment. How the HELL had he stayed hard through something like 'I can't believe it's not butter'? Nevertheless, Naruto just brushed it off, eyes back on the two before him as he continued being aroused in his blissful state.

"Oh I'll dog YOUR biscuits alright!" And that was about the final straw for Naruto, his volcano erupting violently as Sasuke continued to fuck the daylights out of his cousin, quite obliviously. "Ah! Sasuke! Take me to the bakery, Sasuke!" Twitching happily, Naruto's eyes stayed glued to the scene, his ears no longer listening to the utter crap spewing from Saseme's lips.

"Argh, the train is making his delivery!!" Saseme squealed out, suddenly spurting his extra-homo spunk all over the grassy ground, said patch of ground would forevermore be scarred for life. Sasuke came to his completion as well, with a loud, "CHOO CHOO!" He came so hard and long it almost hurt. But that's ok, Saseme's greedy little homo ass ate it all up like Cheerios.

Sasuke sighed with release, pulling out of Saseme's used hole and plopping down on the already scarred grass, his spent dangle now taking a long nap. Saseme, for some strange reason, was still moaning like hell. "FLY ME TO THE MOON, SASUKE-" "Saseme, I'm done." "...Oh yeah." Saseme flopped down with a nice squelch, landing in his nasty pile of homo-jizz. "That was funsies!"

Naruto, having long since passed out, snored softly in peace while Sasuke, no longer able to tune the other boy out, gave a tired sigh. "Well, now that that's over--" "Are you up for round two, Sasu-duckie?!" Sasuke barely had any time at all to fend off the flying fruitcake as Saseme tackled him into the ground, setting himself up for yet another ride. "Saseme, no!"

All throughout the night, Sasuke's screams of "Get off my cock" and Saseme's cries of "You're candy cane is so hard, Duckie!" were heard by all, even a lovely pair of missing nin, who just so happen to being pillaging the village of Konoha. "Did you hear that Shark-chan?" Itachi's voice was almost drowned out by the screaming of the villagers. "No I did not, Itachi-chan."

Itachi paused to stare off at the mountains. "It sounds like a pig is being brutally gutted with a rusty spork...it must be my brother getting raped." They continued their onslaught on the village, which was helpless because two of the best fighters were busy in a fag gangbang of rainbow pleasure. Soon all of their precious jewels were stolen...and some porno magazines too.

Meanwhile poor Sasuke had given up and laid there while his cousin sexually abused him. Naruto woke up and decided to join in, taking advantage of Sasuke's comatose state to rapefuck his mouth. And they continued until they were all in sex comas. All in all it was a successful day.

THE GLRIOUS END.


End file.
